I cried during PT today.
I hate crying in front of people.
But here it is week 12 and I am still not cleared to run because I still can’t stand on my bad leg with out my torso twisting to adjust for muscles in my hip that can’t hold all my weight and yes, a few weeks ago I couldn’t even lift my good leg but progress has been slow these last couple of weeks and every day that I’ve pushed past the boredom at the gym on the elliptical or rowing machine or in the pool I just kept telling myself — just a couple more weeks.
And now I still have a couple more weeks.
And while I love my physical therapist, if she suggests spinning to me one more time or asks if there is something else I can try, I might punch her in the throat.
Really, I think this is what brought on the tears. Not being told I still shouldn’t run — I knew that was coming. I’ve been doing the exercises, I know my hip muscles are too week. But her sweet face as she asked if I’ve tried the elliptical. I just wanted to punch her and never stop. Instead, I started crying.
Yes, god damnit, I’ve tried the elliptical. And hot yoga. And walking on the treadmill on an incline. I’ve tried it all. If I enjoyed any of these things half as much as I enjoyed running, if any of these things cleared my head and made me feel as good and accomplished and physically fit as running I wouldn’t be here right now.
I’d be at a spin class.